Wednesday, November 3, 2010

what makes me hesitate.

As one might gather from the title, I'm feeling a bit o' the block.  And it's no mystery as to why.

I finally know what I want to blog about.

Unfortunately, this will involve exposing my tastes in literature, music, TV and film, once and for all.  I will not be able to go back.  I may also have to come out and own that I'm trying to write a novel, which sounds cool coming from anyone else but sooooo dumb coming from me (to me).

This makes me hesitate because, well, my friends and family read this blog.  I know who you are [for the most part], you nine followers, you.  And you, most likely, will think my tastes juvenile and silly.  It incapacitates me to imagine your judgments.  Not that ANY of you habitually belittle others (as far as I can tell), so I don't know why I would worry.

Which makes me wonder, do all people fear what others will think of them? [Uh, yeah, I'm guessing they do.] If I admit that I've read cough*overtwenty*cough young adult/youth novels this year, will you roll your eyes and think,
Seriously? Why?
Or, worse:
Doesn't she talk about God ever?  <-- I do want to fix that.

I don't know.  There's something about blogging that makes me forget that people I know in real life will read what I post.  Isn't that strange?  It's like, I read strangers' blogs all the time, so naturally I assume it's strangers who are reading my blog.  But this is not so!

This makes me nervous.  Let's say I write something about... cheese wheels.  I get all excited about the post and put a lot of goofiness into it and then forget about it.  A few weeks later, I see a friend in public, and they say, "Your blog is cool/fun/better than sitting around doing nothing," and I realize, mortified, Oh my goodness, this person totally knows about the stupid cheese wheels. Why did I write that?

It's sort of like being on stage in a small space, where (no matter how hard you try to avoid it) you can clearly see every single person in the audience.

Which never bothered me too much, until I'd spot my mom and dad, or an old friend who'd surprised me by showing up, or an intimidating teacher. These moments shook me worse than messing up lines.  Not because of my parents, or the old friend, or the intimidating teacher, but because I was so thrilled or impressed (or horrified*) to see them there.  I've got no problem divulging my soul to the public, but when someone I know is involved-- someone who's used to seeing me in everyday life and expects me to be the person they know-- I get all clammy and embarrassed.

*Please note:  Absolutely none of you horrify me.  It was just an example.

Also, in a complete abberration, why does this kitten smell like he ate a skunk?
e/eee7ke7777777777777777777777758,5r  And WHY can he not resist walking all over the keyboard?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THIS WAY?  About blogging, not about the cat.


  1. i feel that way a lot of times too! i will be happily writing away then remember that my mother-in-law reads my blog...but i love writing so i do it anyway~! besides i think people are usually less judgmental than i self-consciously imagine them to be--who hasn't read a good Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants type book anyway? ;)

  2. not really, but does that surprise you? i'd tell anyone anything.

    and i love your blog :)

  3. It took me a week to decide whether or not I would tell Becca about my blog. And I know my Mom doesn't like me pouring my soul out to the internet. I feel you Julie.

  4. hey there, friend. i often think of my blog as a written outlet of what my mind thinks. and if people read it, then fabulous. if not, eh, at least i have my thoughts/ideas written on paper (i guess) that i can look back on. something to be proud of. plus, my goal when i started this blog was to be creative - you know, write what i wanted to. I felt so confined in grad school writing technically, and that gets so old. and, i guess, when you live away from your family, i think it gives them another outlet to feel connected to your (and your family's) life. I cannot believe you have been married a year. And we have been in CO a year and a half. I look forward to reading more - I'm one of the 9!

  5. You guys are absolutely the coolest. :)


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